The Article At WIRED

Something for the Ewok-haters to mull over.  The rest of us knew this all along.

Nah, it's just that the Empire's weapons are made by the most corrupt low bidder. It's why the AT-ST armor was so thin a pair of logs could squish it like a paper cup. Why the Storm Trooper armor can't even stop a rock and the blasters can't hit the broad side of a barn. It's why the speeders have no seat belts and explode when they run into anything. It's why Tie Fighters have no shields and Star Destroyers have no redundent deflector shields. It's why there are no safety rails and the Death Star, and they can be destroyed with a single hit from a missile.

The only thing the Empire ever had going for it was a couple of Sith Lords and numbers.

Motorcycles and bicycles have no seatbelts...nor would I want one on my bicycle.

And, speaking from working for an arborist years ago...trees are really heavy. Those logs that squished the ATST were several tons each, and that's if they were soft wood. Haul them up into a tree and get momentum behind them, and something as small as an ATST is going to have problems, even with thick, high-quality Made In The Empire armor plating.

It's true that the lack of safety rails is a purely budgetary matter, however. That and our general lack of value inherent in our staff, combined with the ease of replacement. And that we executed the entire staff of OSHA.

I blame it on that darked robe bastard threatening everybody. Wheezy kept on telling The Boss that the Emperor was pushing for an accelerated timeline, so Boss kept on cutting corners. Hard to build right when the goalposts keep moving on ya! 

So they move the goalposts and then never pay, which is why the contractors themselves deliver sub-par work. Sure, the 2nd DS was operational...but what about that big gaping hole on the side? "Eh, hit it with some spackle, it'll be fine."

And OMG, the First (dis)Order!... Only people that deluded would look on the Palpatine/Darth Vader duo and think "Too subtle"... 

We're just lucky that snub-nosed fighters once again saved the day with the First Order. Their next plan was to turn the entire galaxy into a giant laser beam. (And, frankly, if I was the First Order, I don't build the giant Starkiller base and then shoot the bizarrely close core planets. I build the Starkiller base and suck the core planets' star dry, put a travel blockade in place, and then just watch the fun.)

Brotherbock is a Sith Lord. Confirmed. 

*Squints in Rebel*

You sound an awful lot like Senator Palpatine.

Senator? I would never presume to think that my fellow citizens would place that kind of trust in a humble man like me. But if they did...we DO have some problems that could be dealt with. Corruption. Criminality. The free press.

I am grateful for the support. And it is true that we must impose law and order on the outlying hotels. We shall build a Grand Army of the Convention, and our Costroopers will bring safety and security, and espresso carts, to all reaches of the Con!

OK I love where this thread went. Not even a big SW fan and it had me laughing. Well done.

Except the ones where we imprison stormtroopers. Those will be forced labor camps guarded by Gungans.

Sorry to bring this back from the dead but.... bwa-hahahahaha!!!!!
Y'all kill me!